Stress Test

Somewhere along the line I think I mentioned that to officially participate in Italian sporting events you have to have medical authorization. Today my friend Massimo and I went to Perugia to get that authorization from a clinic that performs cardio stress tests.

We had a reasonable wait in the reception area, and then I was taken off to have my paperwork filled out. My Italian still has a long way to go, and the medical staff's English was just as rudimentary, but between the two, a little Google Translate, and Greek/Latin medical terms it wasn't too difficult. Just don't ask me to give my weight and height in metric off the top of my head.

First came the spirometer. That's a silly tube you blow through to measure your lung capacity. If you have never used one before, they are a little disconcerting because they provide no resistance. Take a deep breath. Open your mouth wide and breath out as hard as you can. Did you empty your lungs in about 1 second? Good. Now keep blowing out as hard as you can for the next 15 seconds to get the rest of the air out, the air you didn't know you had. Note: do not attempt this without medical supervision if you smoke.

Next a tech applied EKG leads. I didn't know I had enough chest hair to shave, but apparently the leads weren't going to stay properly without their shaving little patches. The prices we pay for our sports. At least it wasn't my legs like in swimming and biking.

Psych! They weren't ready for me to have leads! Someone poked a head in and I was led down the hall to a room with a sonogram machine. All the little sticky patches had to come off.

I've had an echocardiogram before so I knew what to expect. Little videos of heart valves fluttering, with blood flow color-coded to show the velocity and direction.

Then it was back to have all the sticky patches applied again. One resting EKG, onto the bike for a short workout, and the doctor gave me a passing grade plus the advice that I need to lose weight and check my blood pressure weekly. Ouch! I'm in my best cardio shape in at least the last 5 years!

So far you have been able to picture this as a typical medical visit anywhere. Now let's add some unreality.

As I said, I have had an echocardiogram before. I recall that the insurance company was billed an appalling amount like $5000. That memory could be wrong, but a quick glance online shows costs in the $1000-3000 range. I also had a stress test today. Another glance online shows that those are priced at $3000-5000 in the US.

My cost today? 40€. Discounted from the normal 70€ because of an offer to the running club. Don't ask me: I don't understand it, either. But it starts with a tremendous difference in medical salaries and continues through a legal system that is so slow it isn't worth suing your doctor or the maker of his medical equipment.

The doctor? Tall, thin, older but of indeterminate age, energetic without being in a hurry. He wore his grey hair back in a ponytail. It was a little unclear that he was the doctor until it became clear that he was in charge. Blue jeans. Massimo tells me he normally wears cowboy boots. He only wore a smock while he (personally) performed the echocardiogram. Just like in the US, right?



Indeterminate age? We talked lifestyles, food (he is vegetarian), staying active, the usual. Then Massimo challenged me to guess the doctor's age. Seventy! Staying active? He was a national league goalie in the 1970's, and STILL PLAYS.

He is also the Italian record holder for the high jump in the over 45, over 55, and over 65 categories and in triple-jump for over 65. Think again if you are picturing your grandfather jumping over the garden hose and calling it an athletic event: in 2008 he set the world record in the long jump for over 60 with a 5.47 meter jump. Can you jump 18 feet?

Just in case you think I am kidding: Lamberto Boranga's Wikipedia Page

Michael